This past Wednesday we published the Season Two finale of The Deeper Call podcast. I am struggling with some health issues and put the podcast on hold until I have the energy to return to it.
A younger version of myself would have been teeming with shame and embarrassment for not being able to keep going. A younger version of myself would have pushed my body to keep making the podcast because I had no tools to help me untangle the toxic belief that shouts: if you do not keep producing, you are worthless. A younger version of myself would have obeyed that voice, overridden my body’s need for rest and continued, to the detriment of the podcast and my health.
I have struggled with learning to respect my body.
I have labored to face the voices that shout: you are not valuable unless you are in a constant mode of output.
I have titrated feeling the deep-rooted fear and grief in my nervous system that arises when I take things off my plate.
I have practiced deferring to myself over and over, regardless of the discomfort.
I have become clear on the energetic differences between ambition and striving.
I am no longer invested in striving.
Early this year I decided the weekly publishing cadence of this newsletter and podcast was too much for my system energetically and mentally. I became stressed from the deadlines based on what other people recommended. I craved spending more time with these projects rather than rushing to publish each week.
In January, I switched things up and began sharing both projects bi-weekly. Immediately my exhales deepened. I felt surges of energy from living in alignment with my values and output bandwidth. This new cadence felt spacious, enlivening, and doable. I felt free from other people’s influence on my creative output. The shouting voice that has been with me for decades diminished to a whisper. A new voice declared: You deserve to do less. You can take things off your plate and still have value.
Full transparency, I knew a few weeks before my doctor received the test results that I needed to pause the podcast. The knowing expressed itself as a flutter in my stomach, a clear line of thought, and a slight edginess in my throat. This is often how my intuition shows up, as gut sensations, as second sight, as instinct.
The morning of my appointment I expressed to Nic that I was struggling with the amount of energy and resources it takes to produce the podcast. There was a part of me trying to see if he would give me permission to put the show on hold. By the time we arrived at my appointment, I knew what I had to do. The information from my test results and the recommendation from my doctor confirmed my own instincts.
Learning to listen to my body’s signals and tending to its needs has been a process. Being able to honor my body’s capacity and separate that from my inherent value has taken time. I did not come to any of this easily or gracefully. I resisted this work for years because I was trained to believe that others knew more about my life, my body, my capacity, my dreams, and my abilities than I did. Learning to trust myself has been a practice of integrating the younger parts that outsource their worth, with my present time Self. This integration strengthens the faith I have in my worthiness regardless of the voices that shout or whisper otherwise.
Through this work I acknowledge that pausing the podcast doesn’t mean it failed or that I am a failure. Taking a break from the project has no bearing on my worth. I am whole, valuable, and worthy regardless of how many creative projects I produce, how often I publish, or the quantity of my work.
I had big visions for this podcast. I still do. The best thing I can do at this time for this podcast, myself, my family, and my writing practice, is press pause until I have the energy to bring it back. I had such a stellar line up of guests for future episodes. Gratefully, everyone is willing to reschedule with me when my health status has shifted.
Creating the podcast and sharing it with you over these last eight months has been a dream come true. The conversations I’ve been fortunate to have with our incredible guests have changed me for the better. The messages and voice notes I’ve received from many of you have been such a beacon for me, especially since navigating these health challenges and the collective grief we are sitting in.
Thank you for taking the time to tune into the podcast, for sharing your favorite episodes with your friends, and for allowing these conversations to open your hearts and expand your notion of what might be possible for all of us.
In the meantime, I will continue sharing my writing with you twice a month. Writing is such a restorative practice and has anchored me in nearly every season of my life. I look forward to seeing what gems emerge from this experience.
Here’s to honoring our bodies.
Here’s to pausing when we need to.
Here’s to acknowledging our inherent value.
Here’s to giving each other permission to change.
I look forward to connecting with you in the comments.
With gratitude,
Ashley
PS
If you are reading this letter in your email and want to share in the comments you can visit The Deeper Call website or in the app. Both places will get you access to the comments. x
I would love to hear from you. How are you honoring your body this season? What have you put on hold or let go of to tend to yourself? How do you give yourself permission to change course?
Thank you Ashley! And I'm here to support you as well. I see us holding etheric hands on our journey of wholeness xo