Ashley, another heartfelt essay :) Thank you. I’d never had anywhere close to the number of followers you had on IG, so that wasn’t an issue when I left. I was curious to see how many friendships would remain, all the while reminding myself that those who really cared about being in my life would stay; others would go. I was okay with that.
We each have our own experience. For me, the day after my IG exit felt like a huge exhale. I literally felt the spaciousness that was suddenly available to me and it was a fantastic feeling!! Of course I’d never had the kind of adulation and validation you’d had on Insta so maybe that’s why it felt different to me.
My exit was 2 years ago.
Today my IRL besties are five in number—but they’re each precious and real and deeply know and get me. I don’t think any more than 2-3 folks who were my friends while on IG stay connected to me today. But I’m really, truly, genuinely happy—and that’s what matters 💜
I always appreciate your shares Uma. Thank you for taking the time to open up about your experiences and the exhale you felt after exiting IG. Reading about the spaciousness you felt back then gives me a feeling of spaciousness now :)
Thank you for your commitment to remaining authentic and honest with yourself and with your readers over so many years. Actually walking the walk. I just think you’re the coolest!
Loved this post, thank you. I used to follow you on Instagram and have myself deleted the app recently and have felt some of these feelings coming off.
Really resonated with this post, Ashley. I've been off IG (again) for maybe six weeks now and I'm not missing it. There are plenty of people who can find me through text messaging or other avenues to connect directly. Helps me pay attention to going deeper with friends rather than casting a wider net of superficial friends. Nothing wrong with the superficial part, just not what I'm seeking at this time.
Thank you for sharing Caitlin. I love that you are going deeper with your friends these days and honoring what you are seeking right now! Cheers to your current IG break too❤️
Much of this resonates. And yet I can’t help but wonder if the need to be liked didn’t begin with Instagram. Being seen, being validated aren’t platform problems. They’re human ones. These are universal needs. Instagram just gave them a megaphone.
Stepping away is great. But I’m curious about the places we step into next. The economy might shift from likes to subscriptions but the architecture often stays the same.
Maybe the real shift isn’t about quitting platforms. Perhaps it’s learning to open them without craving. To use them as tools, not as proxies for connection, not as mirrors for our worth, just tools.
Thank you for joining this conversation and bringing such thoughtful nuance to it Daria! You're absolutely right that the need to be seen and validated didn't start with Instagram - these are deeply human longings that have always existed. And your point about potentially just shifting from one validation economy to another is so important to consider.
I admire your perspective about using these platforms as tools without craving, and my hat is genuinely off to anyone who can pull that off. I haven't met anyone who's managed it yet, but maybe that's because these platforms are designed by teams of neuroscientists and behavioral economists to tap into our fundamental need to be seen in ways that our brains haven't evolved to handle. The addiction to social media isn't a personal failing - it's by design. So while I'd love to believe we can all just develop better self-control, I've found stepping away to be the gentler path for now.
I loved this line: 'Unforeseen gifts of focusing my energy on fewer connections'. We have been fooled into believing that we have the capacity for 'all the people' and 'all the suffering', 'all of the things all the time'. But we only have so much capacity. Thank you for these words. x
Thank you for pulling out that line Kemi - it really is the heart of it, isn't it? We've been sold this myth that we can hold everything and everyone all at once, but our nervous systems and hearts weren't designed for that kind of endless input. There's something so relieving about admitting we have limits and then discovering the richness that comes from honoring them. Thank you for reading with such care. PS I am looking forward to diving into The Harvest too ;)
Thank you for sharing! To be honest, Instagram is just one way to connect. I’d rather read posts like this than an Instagram reel. I’ve deleted the app off my phone and just look at it on my computer every day. I’m slowly breaking the addiction. But the attachment to “fake” friends is real. It’s interesting to see who shows up when you disappear. They are the only people who are worth engaging with anyways. Thank you 💖♥️
Great points Marielle. I really feel that attachment to fake friends and the surprises of who shows up when you disappear! Rooting for you and grateful you are in the conversation ❤️
I feel this to my core. The endless cycle of comparison and validation drove me off the app. I decided to find real connection (which was my underlying desire in the first place), off of IG. And it’s so much more beautiful and meaningful ❤️ thanks for sharing your experience !
This made my heart so full. 💛 Yes to finding real connection off the app - it's what we were all actually searching for in the first place, isn't it? The comparison cycle is so depleting. I love that you're discovering the same thing... those beautiful, meaningful connections that can't be measured in metrics. Thank you for sharing this with me. x
Hello Ashley - I love your writing and even though our lives are "worlds apart" in many ways, there are so many little nuggets that I find truly encouraging. The idea of undiluted relationships, having the bandwidth to truly focus on real life friendships, doing the hard work in those relationships when called for - all so beautifully described by you. I'm older than you, and in a different season of life, but still find the pull to sm and the dopamine hit that comes from it a bit addicting... and very distracting. Something I'm working on. :)
Thank you for your vulnerability and for sharing this with us all. We are so glad you are here!
Laura, thank you so much for this beautiful message. I love how these themes transcend age and life seasons, that pull toward real connection is so universal, isn't it? 'Undiluted relationships' - yes, exactly that. And the dopamine hit struggle is real, no matter where we are in life. I'm still navigating it in other ways. So grateful you're here and that we can explore these questions together. Your words mean more than you know. Grateful you are here! x
Hi Ashley, I loved your essay. I cut IG loose about four months ago with 7500 followers. And as you point out, no one reached out and said, "hey where are you; we miss you." Social media does not foster real relationships. It's all a numbers game, a branding game, as if humans were a brand. I didn't look back. I don't miss IG. I don't miss the scrolling. . . or the inanity of it all.
What I've found on Substack is that there are relationships to be had. People do connect through their writing. There's something very satisfying about sharing the human story here. People come here to read, to write, to contribute to a higher vision.
It's good when someone like you posts up how you got free and it inspires others. I'd much rather spend time hiking, making earth art, walking and playing with my dog, and a dozen other things.
Sending you much appreciation and goodwill, stephanie XO
Stephanie, thank you for sharing this. Your experience mirrors mine so closely - that eerie silence when you step away really says everything about the nature of those "connections," doesn't it? I love what you said about Substack fostering real relationships. There's something about the longer form, the intention required to actually read and respond thoughtfully, that creates genuine connection rather than performing our lives for strangers.
Thank you for walking this path too and for choosing depth over metrics, presence over performance. It means so much to know there are others out there prioritizing hiking, earth art, and time with beloved dogs over endless scrolling. x
I'm in the early days of experimenting without social, and intetrstingly in a period of my life, when I have a lot to share and process through it. I was surprised when I woke up shortly after I decided to take a step back from all these platforms and my fingers started to write a book. Literally it was an energy recalibration. And im tending to a garden. I played piano after almost 30 years. I'm practicing more the language of the country where I live for a while (maybe I have the mental capacity for that?) Today I went to explore a small town and I had a talk with the woman in a cute cafe - spent there about an hour or even more speaking in a language I did not know before in can have an entire conversation at. I havent had a sizeable follower base on social and I felt a constant rejection where there was little reaction to what I shared - while it mattered so much for me. I just removed that now. It's like I stopped going to spaces where I'm not feeling seen, and welcomed. I keep my own peace.
What a beautiful unfolding you're describing Zsanett! The image of your fingers starting to write a book the moment you stepped back from social media sounds like your creative energy finding its home again. Piano after 30 years, conversations in a new language with strangers in cafés....just beautiful. Thank you for being here and joining the conversation.
I love this piece and I've been very inspired by your your journey! I read and reread this and the last piece about living without instagram and I find many eye opening facts! I quote you to my friend! truly thanks for the reminder. My favorite line: The internal reward that comes from doing hard things in relationships has proven to be far greater than any “like”.
Thank you so much for reading and rereading - that means the world to me! And I'm so touched that you're sharing these ideas with your friend. That line about the internal reward from doing hard things in relationships really captures something essential, doesn't it? The real stuff, the messy conversations, the showing up when it's uncomfortable - that's where the actual connection lives. I'm grateful these words resonated with you Ana <4
What a great question— who are we without these platforms and what does that say about them? As a person just stepping out into the world as entrepreneur I have a fraught relationship with social media — how do I grow this new business without algorithms? But also, my work is about slow, meaningful transformation, rooted in earth-based practices. So… the antithesis of the superficial, overly-manicured experience offered by Instagram (or platforms like it). What does it mean to be “off social media” if you’re just starting out? Is it even possible?
What a perfect tension you're highlighting Kristen, trying to build something rooted in slow, meaningful transformation while wondering if you need the very platforms that embody the opposite. Your work sounds like it would attract exactly the kind of people who are also questioning these spaces. Maybe there's a way to use these tools that honors your values - even if that means being messier, less manicured, more honest about the struggle itself. Rooting for you!
ANOTHER ONE THAT HITS RIGHT IN THE HEART! I so relate to this on every level. While I have 20,000 followers and not 27k, I have been mostly "absent" on there for months now. And guess what? No one gives a shit. Not readers. Not all those connections. Not my "closest" friends. I have a book coming out in April and what you said about going to the library for 30 people truly hit home. I have realized I despise launching books BECAUSE of all of the comparison around social media. Posting about a book tour that I don't want to do. Doing events and tours just to take photos to post. Even being AT an event, thinking, "I need to take a video of this." Always worried about who will show up and who won't, wondering if I will ever feel like an author NOT part of a popularity contest. Looking "busy" and impressive and like a "successful" author. That has never been why I write--to post about it, to share photos that say, LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT WHAT I'VE DONE. I have been so damn happy the less I've spent time on social. I have completely healed my relationship to money. I have resurrected my sex life with my partner after 15 years. I now go on morning walks with my daughter, where we talk and connect. For me, it's been a RELIEF. There has been zero grief, and yet, my IG account is still hanging out there, in the background, undeleted, waiting for me to be brave enough to finally say goodbye. To trust that I can still sell books without it. In some ways, it feels like, by deleting it, that I am admitting I have WASTED so many years of my life. So many seconds, minutes, and hours that I can't get back. Once it's deleted, I will realized that I'm not as smart as I once thought. That I still played the game, even though I bitched about it the entire time!!! That is the hardest pill to swallow, in my opinion. And that I am also part of a business (publishing) that will either offer me a book deal or not based on how popular I am, not how good my book is. THAT is the most mind-boggling part of all. Thank you for sharing your journey because it helps clarifies what is real and what isn't. What matters and what doesn't. What one can choose to do with their time, if only they are awake enough to pay attention.
Your words hit me right back! The relief you describe - that's everything. The morning walks with your daughter, the healed relationship with money, the resurrected intimacy - these are the real metrics that matter, not follower counts or event photos. That fear about "admitting wasted years" resonates so deeply, but here's what I've learned: the moment we recognize we've been playing a game we never wanted to play, that's not failure - that's wisdom. You weren't wasting time; you were learning what you don't want.
The publishing industry's obsession with social media numbers over quality is maddening, but there are readers out there who will find your book because it matters, not because of how many stories you posted. You're already living the life you want - those morning walks are proof. The Instagram account hanging in the background is just digital clutter now. When you're ready to let it go, you'll know. Until then, keep choosing the real moments over the performed ones. Thank you for sharing so honestly - your courage gives others permission to step off the hamster wheel too.
God, you are SO right on every level. Thank you for this. Thank you for this message that seems to find me, when so many others get overlooked. Thank YOU for giving others permission to go live their real lives... the only lives worth living.
I love this. Being an Interior Designer I have always struggled with social media (instagram the most). The comparison is crippling and I have taken months off at a time to rejuvenate. This last year I looked at IG like I do facebook, just a place to post if anyone wants to see my work but no longer fixated on the numbers and have since erased my flodesk subscribers and started all over here in Substack. I want people to actually be interested in what I'm writing or videoing about then to just erase the email as it comes across their inbox. Baby steps but it definitely is freeing.
What a beautiful shift you've made! Treating Instagram like Facebook - just a place to share if people want to see, without the numbers obsession - is such a healthy reframe. And starting fresh on Substack for people who genuinely want to engage with your work? That takes real courage. Those baby steps toward freedom are actually giant leaps toward authenticity. Your future readers are so lucky they'll get the real you, not the performing-for-algorithms version.
Ashley, another heartfelt essay :) Thank you. I’d never had anywhere close to the number of followers you had on IG, so that wasn’t an issue when I left. I was curious to see how many friendships would remain, all the while reminding myself that those who really cared about being in my life would stay; others would go. I was okay with that.
We each have our own experience. For me, the day after my IG exit felt like a huge exhale. I literally felt the spaciousness that was suddenly available to me and it was a fantastic feeling!! Of course I’d never had the kind of adulation and validation you’d had on Insta so maybe that’s why it felt different to me.
My exit was 2 years ago.
Today my IRL besties are five in number—but they’re each precious and real and deeply know and get me. I don’t think any more than 2-3 folks who were my friends while on IG stay connected to me today. But I’m really, truly, genuinely happy—and that’s what matters 💜
I always appreciate your shares Uma. Thank you for taking the time to open up about your experiences and the exhale you felt after exiting IG. Reading about the spaciousness you felt back then gives me a feeling of spaciousness now :)
And yes, your genuine happiness is what matters!💗
Thank you for your commitment to remaining authentic and honest with yourself and with your readers over so many years. Actually walking the walk. I just think you’re the coolest!
Thank you for seeing me Danielle. I am truly touched by you being here🥰
Loved this post, thank you. I used to follow you on Instagram and have myself deleted the app recently and have felt some of these feelings coming off.
You are so welcome MJ. Glad you made it over here❤️ And cheers to deleting IG!
Really resonated with this post, Ashley. I've been off IG (again) for maybe six weeks now and I'm not missing it. There are plenty of people who can find me through text messaging or other avenues to connect directly. Helps me pay attention to going deeper with friends rather than casting a wider net of superficial friends. Nothing wrong with the superficial part, just not what I'm seeking at this time.
Thank you for sharing Caitlin. I love that you are going deeper with your friends these days and honoring what you are seeking right now! Cheers to your current IG break too❤️
Much of this resonates. And yet I can’t help but wonder if the need to be liked didn’t begin with Instagram. Being seen, being validated aren’t platform problems. They’re human ones. These are universal needs. Instagram just gave them a megaphone.
Stepping away is great. But I’m curious about the places we step into next. The economy might shift from likes to subscriptions but the architecture often stays the same.
Maybe the real shift isn’t about quitting platforms. Perhaps it’s learning to open them without craving. To use them as tools, not as proxies for connection, not as mirrors for our worth, just tools.
Thank you for joining this conversation and bringing such thoughtful nuance to it Daria! You're absolutely right that the need to be seen and validated didn't start with Instagram - these are deeply human longings that have always existed. And your point about potentially just shifting from one validation economy to another is so important to consider.
I admire your perspective about using these platforms as tools without craving, and my hat is genuinely off to anyone who can pull that off. I haven't met anyone who's managed it yet, but maybe that's because these platforms are designed by teams of neuroscientists and behavioral economists to tap into our fundamental need to be seen in ways that our brains haven't evolved to handle. The addiction to social media isn't a personal failing - it's by design. So while I'd love to believe we can all just develop better self-control, I've found stepping away to be the gentler path for now.
I loved this line: 'Unforeseen gifts of focusing my energy on fewer connections'. We have been fooled into believing that we have the capacity for 'all the people' and 'all the suffering', 'all of the things all the time'. But we only have so much capacity. Thank you for these words. x
Thank you for pulling out that line Kemi - it really is the heart of it, isn't it? We've been sold this myth that we can hold everything and everyone all at once, but our nervous systems and hearts weren't designed for that kind of endless input. There's something so relieving about admitting we have limits and then discovering the richness that comes from honoring them. Thank you for reading with such care. PS I am looking forward to diving into The Harvest too ;)
Thank you for sharing! To be honest, Instagram is just one way to connect. I’d rather read posts like this than an Instagram reel. I’ve deleted the app off my phone and just look at it on my computer every day. I’m slowly breaking the addiction. But the attachment to “fake” friends is real. It’s interesting to see who shows up when you disappear. They are the only people who are worth engaging with anyways. Thank you 💖♥️
Great points Marielle. I really feel that attachment to fake friends and the surprises of who shows up when you disappear! Rooting for you and grateful you are in the conversation ❤️
I feel this to my core. The endless cycle of comparison and validation drove me off the app. I decided to find real connection (which was my underlying desire in the first place), off of IG. And it’s so much more beautiful and meaningful ❤️ thanks for sharing your experience !
Hi Cayla,
This made my heart so full. 💛 Yes to finding real connection off the app - it's what we were all actually searching for in the first place, isn't it? The comparison cycle is so depleting. I love that you're discovering the same thing... those beautiful, meaningful connections that can't be measured in metrics. Thank you for sharing this with me. x
Hello Ashley - I love your writing and even though our lives are "worlds apart" in many ways, there are so many little nuggets that I find truly encouraging. The idea of undiluted relationships, having the bandwidth to truly focus on real life friendships, doing the hard work in those relationships when called for - all so beautifully described by you. I'm older than you, and in a different season of life, but still find the pull to sm and the dopamine hit that comes from it a bit addicting... and very distracting. Something I'm working on. :)
Thank you for your vulnerability and for sharing this with us all. We are so glad you are here!
Laura, thank you so much for this beautiful message. I love how these themes transcend age and life seasons, that pull toward real connection is so universal, isn't it? 'Undiluted relationships' - yes, exactly that. And the dopamine hit struggle is real, no matter where we are in life. I'm still navigating it in other ways. So grateful you're here and that we can explore these questions together. Your words mean more than you know. Grateful you are here! x
Hi Ashley, I loved your essay. I cut IG loose about four months ago with 7500 followers. And as you point out, no one reached out and said, "hey where are you; we miss you." Social media does not foster real relationships. It's all a numbers game, a branding game, as if humans were a brand. I didn't look back. I don't miss IG. I don't miss the scrolling. . . or the inanity of it all.
What I've found on Substack is that there are relationships to be had. People do connect through their writing. There's something very satisfying about sharing the human story here. People come here to read, to write, to contribute to a higher vision.
It's good when someone like you posts up how you got free and it inspires others. I'd much rather spend time hiking, making earth art, walking and playing with my dog, and a dozen other things.
Sending you much appreciation and goodwill, stephanie XO
Stephanie, thank you for sharing this. Your experience mirrors mine so closely - that eerie silence when you step away really says everything about the nature of those "connections," doesn't it? I love what you said about Substack fostering real relationships. There's something about the longer form, the intention required to actually read and respond thoughtfully, that creates genuine connection rather than performing our lives for strangers.
Thank you for walking this path too and for choosing depth over metrics, presence over performance. It means so much to know there are others out there prioritizing hiking, earth art, and time with beloved dogs over endless scrolling. x
Choosing depth over metrics . . . I like that! Sending you good wishes for a wonderful day. Write on.
I'm in the early days of experimenting without social, and intetrstingly in a period of my life, when I have a lot to share and process through it. I was surprised when I woke up shortly after I decided to take a step back from all these platforms and my fingers started to write a book. Literally it was an energy recalibration. And im tending to a garden. I played piano after almost 30 years. I'm practicing more the language of the country where I live for a while (maybe I have the mental capacity for that?) Today I went to explore a small town and I had a talk with the woman in a cute cafe - spent there about an hour or even more speaking in a language I did not know before in can have an entire conversation at. I havent had a sizeable follower base on social and I felt a constant rejection where there was little reaction to what I shared - while it mattered so much for me. I just removed that now. It's like I stopped going to spaces where I'm not feeling seen, and welcomed. I keep my own peace.
What a beautiful unfolding you're describing Zsanett! The image of your fingers starting to write a book the moment you stepped back from social media sounds like your creative energy finding its home again. Piano after 30 years, conversations in a new language with strangers in cafés....just beautiful. Thank you for being here and joining the conversation.
I also recently quit all meta platforms and I’m loving it! So good for my mental health.
YESS Bri! Love reading this so much!
I love this piece and I've been very inspired by your your journey! I read and reread this and the last piece about living without instagram and I find many eye opening facts! I quote you to my friend! truly thanks for the reminder. My favorite line: The internal reward that comes from doing hard things in relationships has proven to be far greater than any “like”.
Thank you so much for reading and rereading - that means the world to me! And I'm so touched that you're sharing these ideas with your friend. That line about the internal reward from doing hard things in relationships really captures something essential, doesn't it? The real stuff, the messy conversations, the showing up when it's uncomfortable - that's where the actual connection lives. I'm grateful these words resonated with you Ana <4
What a great question— who are we without these platforms and what does that say about them? As a person just stepping out into the world as entrepreneur I have a fraught relationship with social media — how do I grow this new business without algorithms? But also, my work is about slow, meaningful transformation, rooted in earth-based practices. So… the antithesis of the superficial, overly-manicured experience offered by Instagram (or platforms like it). What does it mean to be “off social media” if you’re just starting out? Is it even possible?
What a perfect tension you're highlighting Kristen, trying to build something rooted in slow, meaningful transformation while wondering if you need the very platforms that embody the opposite. Your work sounds like it would attract exactly the kind of people who are also questioning these spaces. Maybe there's a way to use these tools that honors your values - even if that means being messier, less manicured, more honest about the struggle itself. Rooting for you!
ANOTHER ONE THAT HITS RIGHT IN THE HEART! I so relate to this on every level. While I have 20,000 followers and not 27k, I have been mostly "absent" on there for months now. And guess what? No one gives a shit. Not readers. Not all those connections. Not my "closest" friends. I have a book coming out in April and what you said about going to the library for 30 people truly hit home. I have realized I despise launching books BECAUSE of all of the comparison around social media. Posting about a book tour that I don't want to do. Doing events and tours just to take photos to post. Even being AT an event, thinking, "I need to take a video of this." Always worried about who will show up and who won't, wondering if I will ever feel like an author NOT part of a popularity contest. Looking "busy" and impressive and like a "successful" author. That has never been why I write--to post about it, to share photos that say, LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT WHAT I'VE DONE. I have been so damn happy the less I've spent time on social. I have completely healed my relationship to money. I have resurrected my sex life with my partner after 15 years. I now go on morning walks with my daughter, where we talk and connect. For me, it's been a RELIEF. There has been zero grief, and yet, my IG account is still hanging out there, in the background, undeleted, waiting for me to be brave enough to finally say goodbye. To trust that I can still sell books without it. In some ways, it feels like, by deleting it, that I am admitting I have WASTED so many years of my life. So many seconds, minutes, and hours that I can't get back. Once it's deleted, I will realized that I'm not as smart as I once thought. That I still played the game, even though I bitched about it the entire time!!! That is the hardest pill to swallow, in my opinion. And that I am also part of a business (publishing) that will either offer me a book deal or not based on how popular I am, not how good my book is. THAT is the most mind-boggling part of all. Thank you for sharing your journey because it helps clarifies what is real and what isn't. What matters and what doesn't. What one can choose to do with their time, if only they are awake enough to pay attention.
Your words hit me right back! The relief you describe - that's everything. The morning walks with your daughter, the healed relationship with money, the resurrected intimacy - these are the real metrics that matter, not follower counts or event photos. That fear about "admitting wasted years" resonates so deeply, but here's what I've learned: the moment we recognize we've been playing a game we never wanted to play, that's not failure - that's wisdom. You weren't wasting time; you were learning what you don't want.
The publishing industry's obsession with social media numbers over quality is maddening, but there are readers out there who will find your book because it matters, not because of how many stories you posted. You're already living the life you want - those morning walks are proof. The Instagram account hanging in the background is just digital clutter now. When you're ready to let it go, you'll know. Until then, keep choosing the real moments over the performed ones. Thank you for sharing so honestly - your courage gives others permission to step off the hamster wheel too.
God, you are SO right on every level. Thank you for this. Thank you for this message that seems to find me, when so many others get overlooked. Thank YOU for giving others permission to go live their real lives... the only lives worth living.
I love this. Being an Interior Designer I have always struggled with social media (instagram the most). The comparison is crippling and I have taken months off at a time to rejuvenate. This last year I looked at IG like I do facebook, just a place to post if anyone wants to see my work but no longer fixated on the numbers and have since erased my flodesk subscribers and started all over here in Substack. I want people to actually be interested in what I'm writing or videoing about then to just erase the email as it comes across their inbox. Baby steps but it definitely is freeing.
What a beautiful shift you've made! Treating Instagram like Facebook - just a place to share if people want to see, without the numbers obsession - is such a healthy reframe. And starting fresh on Substack for people who genuinely want to engage with your work? That takes real courage. Those baby steps toward freedom are actually giant leaps toward authenticity. Your future readers are so lucky they'll get the real you, not the performing-for-algorithms version.