24 things I learned in 2024
Waning productivity, psychedelic therapy, horse medicine, and so many little lessons along the way
I’ve struggled in many of my transitions this year, either by rushing through them or not taking time to acknowledge them, and I don’t want to repeat that pattern now as the year draws to a close. In the portal of this winter solstice, it feels important to take an intentional moment to honor this shift and close this chapter together.
If you tuned into our recent breathwork immersion, you know how much I love marking the winter solstice. It can be such a potent time to get clear with ourselves, take stock of our year, and begin to imagine what might be possible in the coming months.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not here to rush or urge anyone, including myself, to hurry up and get to January. What I am here for is to remind us, gently of course, to breathe a little slower, linger in the darkness a little longer, and release (as best we can) expectations of what we should have accomplished this year or what we should be feeling like now.
This time of year comes with waves of grief, missing loved ones, the political and climates conflicts that are out of our control, and feeling exhausted. I am definitely experiencing all of these things too.
Some days it’s challenging to hold the complexity of my desire for connection and my need for space. My history that keeps me avoidant and my healing that needs me here.
What helps me wade through all of this is bringing my attention to what worked this year. What I learned. What I remembered to practice, even if not as much as I would have liked to. The reminders that I need to read back to myself in moments when I feel so far off the mark. Lost. Confused. Unclear.
As full of love and as heartbreaking as much of this year has been, I continue to plant seeds for the future, to hold a steady vision for what might be possible.
I hope these twenty-four lessons, practices, and reminders offer you some space to consider what you want to take with you into the new year and what vision you want to hold for yourself and the collective.
24 things I learned in 2024
Developing a relationship with an older horse is medicine. Allow them to show you what leadership outside of dominance looks like. Allow them to mirror back to you where you are still anxious, still unsure, still afraid. Practice noticing what helps them feel safe in your presence and offer yourself the same.
You can go so much further into disassociation with a trusted witness. Let yourself to go as far away as possible. Really go there. All the way to nothingness. To No Self. Hang out there for as long as your body tells you to. Notice what emerges when you eventually make your way back.
It’s okay to start something and quit. Just because you quit your podcast this year, it doesn’t make you a quitter. It actually means you’re honoring yourself. It actually means you’re more connected to what you really want, to how much energy you have to give, and to where you want to place your energy. Sometimes the best thing you can do is know when to quit, especially when you have no clue what will come from it. Take a leap. You are safe enough to do so.
Giving yourself a few moments to pause outside in nature can make all the difference. Let the sun to shine on your face for one slow breath and notice how it changes your perspective. Walking through the Oaks with the kids can bring you into deep co-regulation. Remember, when you’re outside, no matter where you are, pause. Look at the trees, notice the sky, smell the fresh rain, listen to the birds.
Make more of an effort to see Nic through present time eyes. More often than not you see him through the eyes of your younger self which makes things so tough. In your younger self’s eyes he is always against you, criticizing you, shaming you, making you feel small and unintelligent. You often inhabit your partnership on the defense when really, deep down you long for connection. Practice seeing Nic through your adult, present time eyes. The eyes that know and trust that he is on your team, rooting for you, caring for you, listening to all of your wild ideas until late in the night because he loves you. Practice seeing Nic through your adult, present time eyes. Feel the closeness it brings. Feel the connection you seek.
Procrastination no longer serves you. You no longer need it as a survival strategy. It makes sense that you were overwhelmed and overloaded in your younger years. It makes sense that you put things off until the last possible second, staying stuck in cycles of avoidance and mania. It makes sense that your system learned to distance itself from anything that might be triggering from your past and the mad rush to scramble at the eleventh hour. But now you have the tools you need to manage big feelings, turn towards the present moment, and remind yourself that you are fully capable of what is in front of you. And even when some of the tools are missing or inaccessible, you know how to reach out and ask for support.
Matcha (the regularly-priced kind) saved you too many times to count this year. It helped you slow down and savor its grassy, earthy notes. It supported your brain to function in moments when you were certain you could not get a word on the page. It also gave you a little mood lift on particularly gloomy, tough days, allowing you to trudge on through.
Breathing in community has brought you so much joy this year. Connecting with small groups around our breath and what is possible when we take the time to slow down and check in with ourselves has been a bright spot in your life. Keep breathing with others.
Engaging in psychedelic therapy does not mean you are relapsing. For years you were terrified of this therapy because you were worried you would slip back into addiction. You haven’t. The medicine has supported you to travel to greater depths and begin to heal the disassociation that dampens and clouds your most intimate relationships. Psychedelic therapy is helping you connect more to yourself, Nic, your kids, the animals, the land, and others in ways you did not think would ever be possible for you.
It’s okay if your productivity is waning. It’s okay if you haven’t started outlining your next book. It’s okay if you are still not 100% sure what your next book is about. It’s okay if friends and colleagues are “further along” than you in their careers. Are crushing their podcast advertising goals or posting essays weekly. As hard as it is to believe in some moments, life isn’t a race or competition. Let your productivity wane. Embrace the desire to do less, especially with your history of overconsumption and burnout. Take a few more steps back. Give yourself space to see what will emerge without regularly scheduled output.
Being a little more organized makes your life smoother. Take the extra time each day to make notes on what is essential for that day. Next, check-in with your body and energy levels. Try to be curious—and realistic—about what can actually get accomplished. Focus on that. Everything else can wait. Trust me.
It works if you work it. Hold this old AA slogan close. Let it serve as a reminder that if you keep showing up things will shift. Let it also serve as a reminder that practice, no matter the duration or how messy it feels, will change you over time. It’s not enough to think about your feelings, think about breathwork, or wish you were better at connecting with your partner and kids. You’ve got to actually feel the things and practice the things. Oh, and the last part of the phrase is key, it works if you work it, and you’re worth it. You are totally worth it.
People won’t always like or understand your choices. I know how much your younger self longs to be liked and understood. As uncomfortable as it can feel in moments not to base all of your decisions on others, practice staying steady in what you need to do or express for yourself. It is such difficult work. It is such liberating work.
Sol and Zen enjoying a snack plate prepared by Nic in their playroom ;)
Solomon is six years old. His growth and evolution is happening so fast. Practice feeling how much your heart aches about it. Cry those big crocodile tears when he gets on stage to sing with his class at the school’s annual holiday event. Linger with him at bedtime when he wants you to read him one more chapter, hug him one more time, or kiss his head again. The dishes can wait. Your writing can wait. The laundry can wait. He will never be six again.
Old friends will be a balm this year. They will resurface with the most impeccable timing and offer you refuge in their conversations and their willingness to hold the complexities of your life. No matter how much time has passed since you last saw them, the depth of connection remains as it did back in your childhoods. These friends have witnessed your multiple lives and you theirs. Honor these cycles together. Let them know how grateful you are for them often. These friendships are rare.
Getting off social media was one of the best decisions you made this year. After eight months you can feel your brain beginning to change, beginning to slow down. Your need to be on your iPhone has decreased dramatically. Your desire to know what everyone is up to has also decreased dramatically. You have far fewer friends than you realized. And you are okay with it. Stay off social in 2025. See how you continue to focus on what matters most.
Listen to music you love often. Dance with your kids in the evenings. Dance in your car driving through the mountains. Also, according to Spotify, Taylor Swift was your most listened to artist of 2024. Obviously.
Deleting the Substack app was a gift. Don’t redownload it. Notice how much more you can focus on your life instead of your stats. Stats make you feel like shit. Stop doing things that make you feel like shit.
Learning to receive is still a work in progress. Continue exploring this theme, especially where Nic, your children, and the horses are concerned. What might be possible if you let in just a little bit more? How could that nourish your body and your relationships?
What are the most simple, easy ways you can take care of yourself this season? What would it look like to return to the basics: more water with that yummy electrolyte powder, gentle stretching in the evenings, making crock pot soups on the weekends? Ask yourself in moments when you feel overwhelmed, how could this be easier?
Your daughter deserves more of you. This past year her health challenges and the foster care system have loomed large, making it difficult (and scary) for you to be open and present with her. Still, she deserves more of you. More of your heart, more of your compassion, more of your laughter, more of your warmth. She copies everything you do from putting on her sunglasses, to repeating words you say, to attempting to rub oil onto her dry legs. Don’t take her for granted. Practice being a mother she can trust and depend on.
There is something magical in the unknowns you are weaving your way through. We’ve been taught to believe that certainty should be prized above all else. But how often are we really certain? What if the best we can do in some seasons is to just put one foot in front of the other, to wade our way through what we’re “supposed to be doing,” to reach deeper into the darkness of what we want but can’t articulate yet? As challenging as it is for the parts of you that want to bet on the sure thing, trust that the surest thing you can bet on is yourself, in all of your uncertainty.
Show up for Nic in new ways. Practice listening to what he needs, not what you feel like giving. Let him be cared for, supported, and held in your partnership. Don’t take him for granted.
Pay more attention to how you feel in your body than what you think in your head. Your body has so much wisdom to offer you, don’t override it. Practice noticing more of what you feel in your stomach, throat, and back. Practice feeling your feet on the earth. Let these sensations show you the way forward.
As we close out 2024 I want to thank you for being here. Truly.
And I’d love to learn, what worked for you this year? What did you learn? What might you want to take with you into 2025?
Please feel free to drop into the comments share what feels most salient to you.
I look forward to connecting with you and see you back in January.
With love and gratitude,
Ashley
